It’s Just Another Unknown City

The last day Emil saw Lea was a Sunday and on this Sunday morning, he would have loved to pull the blanket over his face. As he had done so often when he still slept on soft beds. But he remembered the train journey that still lay ahead of him. Dressed as quickly as he could, his head bowing low to avoid bumping into the bed above him. He washed his face in the small bathroom, looked at his watch, decided to not take a shower this morning, instead fixed his messy hair and stared into the mirror.

With the backpack between his legs and a bunch of flowers in his hand, he sat on a shady park bench admiring the fountain. Although it was still early, the sun burned bright in his tired eyes. Closing them for just a moment, all he could think about was to kiss Lea just one more time, look into her eyes, or simply be quiet together. They would talk about how they had met just a few days ago, everything that happened since, and what might still happen in the future. And maybe Lea would ask him to not take that train, to stay a little longer, or he would ask if she wanted to come travel with him.

“And what if I don’t take that train?”, Email asked himself. “I mean, what would that even cost? I paid like twenty for the train reservation. Then I already got the hostel at twenty-five per night, at seven nights that’s one-hundred-seventy-five plus the twenty that would be one-hundred-ninety-five. Then, of course, I need to get a hostel here, right? So since it’s kind of last minute that would probably be more like thirty per night, at seven nights is what? Two-hundred-and-ten? Plus the other one-hundred-ninety-five and… What is all that money even worth compared to spending one more week with Lea?”, he checked the time.

There was still an hour left until he had to take that train. “Where is she? And what if she doesn’t come at all? I mean, she wouldn’t forget. We just talked about it yesterday evening. And if she wouldn’t come? Ugh…”, he took a deep breath. “But it would make things so much easier. Be so much easier to just take that train and run away into a new life, new friends, new city, not having to worry about this. But I would really like to see her again, just… just one more time to say goodbye, anything. Just nothing in between, no slow goodbye, no endless texting back and forth that slows down and leads to nothing. Who knows, maybe she’ll even bring her backpack when she comes by.”

The flowers smelled sweet in his nose and the dark blue blossoms had a calming effect on him. Looking at them he just hoped the gesture wouldn’t be too big, giving a girl he just met a few days ago these flowers and his thoughts started to wander, questioning why he even was on this journey.

“Why move from city to city? What is it even that I’m looking for? I wanted to meet new people, understand how they enjoy their lives and what they do, but above all, I wanted to figure out what I enjoy. How I want to live my life. Did I get any closer to that? Not really.

I met a bunch of people and heard a lot of stories, but nobody seemed to be really happy, seems to have it figured out. Instead, I’m exhausted, going through all this pain of constantly trying to find a place to eat and to stay. Getting lost and wandering in foreign cities. I mean, it’s easy to be romantic about that, but it only sounds good in the stories. It’s not really fun living it.

There are these good moments of getting lost, just turning into a side street because it seems interesting. Being able to decide when and where I want to eat, not needing to care about anybody else, just doing my own thing. But what is that experience even worth, when I can’t share it with anyone? What’s the point of all this happiness if I just keep it for myself? Isn’t it almost more fun to tell her what happened, than to live it myself? Moving freely in a dark room with a beating bass, but moving around her, succumbing to her gaze. I like being beautiful, but even more I love being beautiful for her. To be seen by someone. To share this with her. It gives everything meaning.

So I ask myself, why keep going, exploring the depths of Europe? Moving from city to city, and they don’t even interest me. Why get to know new people? Why fall asleep alone in a bunk bed surrounded by loud snoring? Why cook if I’m the only one who is going to eat it? And doesn’t the freedom to travel also include the freedom to stay in one place?

I force myself to do these things because they’re hidden from others, not because I enjoy them myself. When I talk to friends on the phone, I hear the envy in their voices. Travelers have to turn around and go back home for their studies or their work. They wish they could travel endlessly like me, be free, but they only know their short vacation, though, one week at the beach. It’s not the same as living as a stranger in the unknown. Sure, maybe they know it a little bit, but a week is not a life.

Yeah, they’re just dreaming. They don’t know what really lies behind it, but I’ve been dreaming as well. For a long time standing behind the bars just looking, and now the door is wide open. And I’m doing that, just standing, not using that opportunity. Smelling the fresh air of possibility and dreaming. But why not cross that doorstep? Why not use that opportunity? And is it wrong to just use that opportunity because I can, because I wasn’t allowed to before?

So why use this freedom if not for more of what I like? And I loved spending these days with Lea. I would give up anything for them not to end so, I mean, I could keep traveling with her.

I could go to her hometown with her, maybe even move in with her. I could save some money by settling down again, like I’d done for so long. But it wouldn’t be the same, we wouldn’t be traveling together like we are doing now. She like, would have to go back to work, and has her own friends there already. I’d get bored, I hate being the one that’s always brought along. Yeah, maybe I could learn some French or make some friends of my own, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

Why don’t we just travel together? Her money is all gone now and mine is just enough for myself, but if we like, get a room together and cook together, we could really save some money. Cook together and share a room. But there still wouldn’t be enough money.  And if that’s not enough, I could just work more, you know, and I’d be willing to give up all my free time just to spend that little rest I have left with her. Just what I’m still hesitant about is, telling her about it. How is she going to react if she finds out that I’m willing to give up so, so much for her? How could I just let that choice fall into her lap? How could I do that to her?

And wouldn’t that ruin what I love about her, isn’t it the birds flying free through the sky, that makes them so fascinating to us? Isn’t it not being able to lie in them, that makes the clouds seem so fluffy? And even if I would like that life isn’t that exactly what she’s running away from?

So I guess that’s it. I mean, I’m not gonna go home with her, and she’s not gonna be traveling with me. Letting something so beautiful fall? Not trying to catch it. Drink the coffee before it gets cold. Leave the party before the music stops. And is the goodbye going to last forever? Should I just throw away the note with her number on it to let it all be memories?

Do memories even have value at all? The value for me is so great I’d rather not overwrite them with the terrible memory of rejection. I rather lull myself in ignorance, thoughts will remain so beautiful, dreams of what could have been. Wonderful memories of only the good, of a time when she knew none of my mistakes.

Filling all the gaps in my knowledge with the gold of imagination. Creating a deity. On my best days, even pulling imperfections out of thin air just so she doesn’t lose her humanity, to give her some realism. Arguing with my thought-creation just to be able to make up again.

We could live like that, and she could be with me always and everywhere, for however long I want. Sit with me on the train and listen to me. Lay with me in bed when I can’t sleep, gently stroking my hair. And I would paint her. I would dedicate all my paintings to her, and when my own desire drags me into my grave, then at least the last beat of my heart will be filled with dreams.

Who am I to destroy this? And with what motive, for what benefit? Certainty? What is certain? Tiny chance of bringing reality closer to my perfect fantasy? And I had never been someone who risked a lot, never someone who gambled much, and if I did, never someone who played for much.

I’d rather lose nothing than win everything. And yet, to kiss her just one more time.

That will fade, won’t everything become normal at some point? A millionaire always wants to become a billionaire. And let my love for her just sink away, back to wherever it came from.

Who do you think you are? You’re just a girl. I’ve kissed others and I’ll kiss others too. I’ve had intriguing conversations with others and I’ll have intriguing conversations with others too. You’re just the girl from that one weekend in Granada, so many weekends on my journey. And you think you have such power over me? Can you burn yourself into me like that? Can make me question everything? Can take me away from my journey and capture me? And you think you can make me happy? Oh, I’ll still be sad. I’ll even be sad when I’m with you. I’ll be hungry, I’ll be tired, and burn myself on the oven steel. Have to earn money to survive, wash dirty dishes, and stand in line at this supermarket. You’re just the perfect girl who…”

Emil saw her outline in the distance and it snapped him out of his thoughts, he adjusted his glasses to make sure it was her. Lea’s step was sluggish and the unfocused look suggested a night without much sleep.

When Lea recognized him, her mouth couldn’t suppress a timid smile. Emil walked towards her, one arm stretched out in a welcoming hug, hiding the flowers behind his back. Despite the heat, her embrace was tight when she hugged him and her body lay on his chest with a heaviness that shot into his heart. He closed his eyes and his whole face relaxed all the burdens, worries and fears left him and made room for just a single thought, to hold her a little longer. For that one second, it was quiet. He could hear none of the voices in his head. Couldn’t hear his mother asking him why he hadn’t emptied the dishwasher yet, couldn’t hear his father asking him to finish his food. Couldn’t hear his boss asking about the progress of that project. Couldn’t hear that voice demanding to do something, anything but to rest. For that second it was quiet and he could feel her back rising and falling with every breath she took. Her warm cheek pressed against his neck, and with his eyes still closed, he didn’t see the usual darkness but a vibrant, glowing red.

She let go of him and his thoughts fell back into the world of reality. Thoughts raced through his mind and he held out the flowers to her to break the silence. But she didn’t react, just looked at him. He was afraid the gesture would have been too big and would have preferred the whole idea never even entered his mind. “For me?” Lea asked. She took the flowers and looked at them for what seemed like an eternity, smelling them again and again. “They smell so good… No one has ever given me flowers before”, “Really?”. Emil couldn’t quite believe her and felt a little sorry for her. Everyone should have at least once in their life, received flowers.

“Sorry it took so long”, said Lea “Want to sit down in a Café, Baby? I know a place around the corner.” “Sure, I’ll follow you.“ They walked through the narrow streets in silence. Staying close to the wall where the tall houses threw their shadows on the ground. This day would be as hot as the last. Every now and then they interrupted the silence to show each other beautiful things, parts of the facade, plants on the balconies, or little birds.

Around the corner, there was a small cafe with chairs on the sidewalk, and Emil remembered Paris. Cars too big would speed past the chairs, bringing a certain rush into the conversation or causing unintentional silence until they disappeared in the next street. And when no cars were passing by, a bicycle rattled over the cobblestones, or people in fancy clothes shouted into their phones as they hurried past the tables around the corner.

Nevertheless, Lea had leaned back and somehow made herself comfortable in that hard wooden chair. In Emil’s eyes, she fit into the scene so well. Behind her, the decorated bright yellow, blue, or red houses ran together, crossed only by the sharp shadows they cast on each other. And between them, an almost cloudless sky so blue it hurt the eyes. Bed-sheets or summer dresses hung from the windows and danced in the wind.

“I’m so glad we met baby, in this life,” Lea began, ”You’re such a special person and I’ll never forget you. So nice that we found the time to talk again before you’re leaving.” At first, Emil only uttered a “thank you”, overwhelmed by the compliment. But then he asked, “Are you staying much longer?”, “I think another week and then I’m going back home again. Where are you going today?”. Emil hesitated, with all the traveling he had already done he often forgot things that he wrote down in his calendar, “I think… yeah, to Valencia.” Lea smiled, “Any plans after that? You could come and visit me in Brussels sometime, I’d love that.” “That sounds beautiful, when?” Emil said so fast he almost interrupted her. “Hmm, I’ll have to check again, we’ll just write, you have my number right?” replied Lea. “Yeah, we’ll do that,” said Emil and they fell quiet again, looking down the street. “When does your train leave?”, Lea asked. “Oh, I’ve still got a bit of time.”

The waiter came to the table and relieved them of the moment. “Good morning, what can I do for you?”. Lea ordered an iced coffee and asked for a cake. “Yes, we have chocolate, carrot, cheese and…”, ‘Oh God, that’s too many options.’, ‘Just come in and I’ll show you,’ Lea nodded her head. ‘And what would you like?’ the waiter asked Emil, ‘Just an espresso, please.’, ‘Coming right up.’. They left Emil alone, and he resisted the urge to check his phone.

A sparrow hopped between the legs of the table and snatched crumbs of bread from the pavement. The little beak whizzed around quickly. Emil’s thoughts began to wander. He imagined Lea would say: “Why are you leaving today? Do you have somewhere to be, or can you stay for a few more days? There’s still so much to talk about. We haven’t fully explored the city yet either. There was this one bar we saw. I’d like to go there with you.” And he thought that he could actually stay a little longer. Wondered if that was what Lea really wanted. He heard her say again, “Yes, that would be great. We could go dancing, drink lots more espresso together, and just stay here for a while.” Emil asked, “And when you go back home? Surely you have to study or work or something?”, “Maybe you could just come with me, move in with me? We would spend the evenings drinking wine on the side of the road. Dancing the whole night and the next morning have breakfast in bed. In the afternoons we sit by the window reading and looking into the street, visit galleries, and talk about paintings we can’t afford.” The sparrow flew away again, fluttering, and forced Emil out of his thoughts.

He turned around as Lea came towards him with a piece of carrot cake in her hand. “Oh WOW that’s a big piece,” said Emil, ”Yes, I haven’t had breakfast yet.” They were silent for a moment while Lea ate with a small fork. Then Emil asked, “Were you out much longer last night?”, “I don’t know, when did you go home again?”, “Maybe around midnight, we just arrived at the bar then.”. Lea smiled, “Oh yes, something else happened. Did you meet Angus?”. Emil had to think, he had met someone, a painter from New Zealand or was it Australia? They had discussed briefly the best way to transport canvas while traveling. “Do you mean the painter?”, “Yes, exactly.” Lea replied, ”We talked a lot and he was a bit pushy, but I couldn’t resist. We walked through the city all night.” Emil frowned, he didn’t imagine that Lea could be persuaded so quick, but he kept his thoughts to himself and continued to listen. “I don’t understand why I always do that, I meet someone, it goes well and then I push them away. I promised Rafael that we would go home together, but then I just left him there.” “And did anything happen with Angus?” Lea was quiet for a moment, then she said, “I don’t think so, not really. We might have kissed a little bit. But I felt so bad that I went back to Rafael. He was already in bed sleeping when I finally got there. Didn’t want to sleep alone so we shared the tiny hostel bed, and from there I came straight to you.” “You slept at his place?” “Yes, that’s why I was so late. He was still in the shower for ages, Brazilians right?” Lea had to laugh. Emil didn’t understand, “I thought you weren’t interested in him? That’s what you said yesterday.” Lea took another bite of the cake, “I just do what I feel like at that moment. If I wasn’t interested when we spoke, it must have come later.”, ”And now?”

Lea took a deep breath, “I don’t know, now I’m here with you.” She smiled, reached across the table for Emil’s hand, “You’re my soulmate, I’ll never forget you. But you left so early yesterday.” Emil looked her in the eyes and returned the smile.

Lea’s hair was wildly tangled resting on her shoulders, which despite its chaos, or perhaps precisely because of it, had something beautiful about it. Emil liked her more this way, messy and tired. It gave him a feeling of trust that he was allowed to see her like this. Lea asked, “How much longer do you actually want to travel? Don’t you want to go home sometime?”, “I’m not sure what I’m even supposed to do at home.”, “Don’t you miss your friends or family?” Emil put his hand to his chin, “It sounds wrong to say it like that, and I know I shouldn’t really say it, but I don’t miss anyone. Everything I like about home, I also have on the road. And at least there’s always something new happening here. Crossing the same streets every day, shopping in the same supermarket, the same drink in the same bar. No thanks, I rather keep traveling.”

Lea nodded, “But being able to get a good night’s sleep? No one to cough in your ear.” They laughed. “Yeah, that would be nice, but then I’ll wake up at home, make myself breakfast, and look out of the window. Maybe I turn on the TV or listen to the news, but nobody tells me about last night, nobody asks me the best way to get to the next town or whether we should go for a walk together.” Lea disagreed, “No, I couldn’t do that, I want to have some peace and quiet. Not have to think about how to get home, just ask an old friend to come over and not have to introduce myself every time. It’s just so exhausting.”

Emil agreed, he hadn’t seen his friends for so long now that he had forgotten to call them, “So are you ready to go home again?”, “Yes, don’t get me wrong it would be nice to drive a bit further, but I can go back now. I’ve learned to live like this, all on my own. I can handle it.” Fixing her posture Lea continued, “I don’t need anyone, I can decide all by myself what I want to do, where I want to go. I’ve also overcome some problems. Before this trip I was very afraid of things going wrong, my phone being stolen, being lost in the city, missing a train, and having no friends, but when I was in a situation I always managed to get out of it. And now I face things much more calmly. I know now that I can handle it, no matter what.”

Emil agreed with her, “Great, yes, I love this attitude of ‘whatever goes wrong, I can figure it out’ that you develop when traveling.” Lea leaned back in her chair again, “Yeah, I think I can go back home now.” “And what about Rafael and Angus?” Lea had to smile, “Oh, they’ll manage without me,” she said.

Lea took another sip of her coffee and asked, “But what else is out there? What is there that you haven’t found yet?” After a little hesitation, Emil replied “I don’t know, just more”, “More what?”, “More of everything. More happiness, more friends, more meaning, more everything.” Lea looked at him in disbelief, “Oh, that’s bullshit.” Emil grinned, “No, really. I just can’t believe that’s it. There must be something else that I don’t know yet. Something I’m passionate about, something that fascinates me.”, ‘A special city?’, ”Maybe a city, a hobby, a person. I just don’t want to believe that I spend my life waking up, showering, eating, working, eating again, shopping to eat more, cleaning just to get it dirty again, eating again, watching the next episode, and then going to sleep, only to start it all over again the next day.” Lea shook her head, “I just don’t think you’ll find that ingredient in the next city. How many cities have you already been to on this trip?“

Emil looked down the street and furrowed his brow, “ I would have to start counting.“ “That proves my point,“ Lea triumphed. “What do you mean?“, “You’re just running away from your problems.“ Emil laughed, “Oh, is that so? I guess see you see right through me.“ Emil smiled at Lea, and she returned his gaze, saying, “I told you. We’re soulmates.“

“What do you even mean with soul mates? You’re going to their home now, and I’ll keep traveling, and that’s probably it.  There’s a good chance we’ll never even see each other again.”, “Don’t say that!”, “No, it’s true.

You just say it because it feels good in that moment, but that’s it. The second I’m gone, you’ll say to somebody else.” Lea, laughed, “Are you jealous? What did you think? We’re going to get married, have kids, and be happy ever after?”, “No, no, that’s that’s not what… Well, maybe a little bit, but I just want more.” Lea threw her hands in the air, “Why do you have to do this right now? Why do you have to destroy this moment we’re having a good time, right? And now you get these ideas and everything.” “I just, I just thought there would be more.” “More what? That’s it. As good as it gets. This is real life.” “Whatever”

“So go on, keep traveling, and you’ll find lots of beautiful things, but you’ll never find what you’re looking for, and the best thing you’ll really find out is that it doesn’t exist.” “I don’t think so. There’s always another different city, always new people to meet, and I think there’s still so much out there to explore. “Sure, but it’s always the same different city. It’s just another unknown city. The experience is the same. You don’t speak the language, you don’t find the things in the supermarket, there’s always the same guy snoring, the same five travelers. No matter how far you travel, you’ll always, always just end up in another unknown city.” Lea leaned her head back and closed her eyes the sun shining in her face.

Emil didn’t answer and just looked at the flowers lying on the table. It annoyed them how beautiful they were, and that there was that same boring blue. The waiter came back again and asked if they wanted anything else. Emil looked at the clock, “No, thank you. I have to leave soon.” The waiter nodded. “What do I owe you?” Emil asked, “Together?”, “Yeah”, “Sixteen-fifty” he handed him a bill. “Keep the change.” Emil tilted his head back and took another sip of the espresso, but it left a bitter taste in his mouth, not the satisfaction of the last sip that Emil had hoped for.

The half-eaten carrot cake was abandoned on the table, and Emil could see where the small fork had left its mark, like a chisel in marble. “What a waste,” Emil thought to himself, “Are you going to finish that?” Lea looked at the cake, “ don’t think so. I’ve I’ve had enough. Do you want it?” Emil didn’t answer, but asked, “Didn’t you like it?”, “No, it’s delicious. Try some.”, “But you’re not hungry anymore?”, Emil pressed on. “It’s just too much for me. I don’t want to spoil my appetite. It’s too sweet” “Yeah, it’s a big piece” Almost as an excuse, Lea added, “They didn’t have any smaller ones, but it looked so good, I wanted to try it” “Such a shame. Would be a waste.” Lea pushed the plate towards him, “Feel free to take the rest.”

The white cake was sprinkled with orange flakes. The little marzipan carrot had ungracefully fallen off the top. Emil shook a paper napkin over the sidewalk so that the sparrow could find something. He carefully placed it over the cake, folding the corners around it, and let the piece completely disappear in the white napkin, he grabbed it, stood up, and stuffed the napkin and cake into his pants pocket. Thought about taking the flowers as well, but decided not to. Lea watched every movement without interrupting or saying anything. Emil in one clean motion, swung the backpack over his shoulder. Their hug was short and more tentative than the first had been. The swallows flew high above the houses in graceful pendulum movements crossing the bright sky. Emil felt the hot sun on his face and the wind on his legs. He turned around one last time, but could no longer see the cafe. He walked all the way to the station to take a train to another unknown city.

Barcelona, March 15^th 2025